i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
