Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
