what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
