omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
