two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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