I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
