Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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