So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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