He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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