Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
