Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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