Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
