Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
