That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
