I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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