her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
