I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
