I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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