Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
