I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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