Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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