the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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