Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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