so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
whose parrot is this?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
