Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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