I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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