dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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