One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
