I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
