got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
