Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
