Someone shit on the floor
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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