i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
