I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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