You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
