Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
