I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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