This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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