she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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