the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
