Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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