And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
