Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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