i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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