my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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