nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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