I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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