and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
