some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
