I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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