well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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