It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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