i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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