i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
