Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
