my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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