Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
