Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
