The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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