Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
